#iwouldbefuckingcrazy

Ugh. I am so happy it is sickening. I mean, I understand that this is how it's supposed to feel in the beginning, but things just feel so fucking right. I don't really know how to explain it, and I really don't even want to, because who really does that right?

I mean as long as I know how I feel, that's all that really matters. Being in this relationship makes me really wonder how it was possible that I used to put up with such bullshit. How did I give so much only to receive little to nothing in return? I don't even know what I was thinking.

For the past few weeks, I've waken up every morning thankful and happy for what I have. I haven't doubted anything, and I haven't been upset. I don't expect to be disappointed, and I haven't had to compromise under any circumstances. He says all the right things, and makes me feel so important to him.  He holds my hand while he drives, and always has his arm around me when we walk.

I used to get yelled at about the fact that my expectations were too much, and nobody would ever fulfill my standards. Well, I haven't had to lower a single standard or expect anything less than what I believe I deserve. I give 100%, and I make sure my man is satisfied as well as happy. Why shouldn't I deserve the same?

It's really just a great feeling knowing that somebody understands what I deserve and is ready and willing to give it to me. I don't need to be showered in money and gifts AT ALL. That is not what I expect. Material things are just little bonuses in life. I want care and affection. It's not much to ask - I know it's not. If I can give it, I can receive it. After all, isn't that some people's philosophy in life? Get what you give.

It's so easy to put my past behind me now. I can't express how much I appreciate new beginnings.

xo.e

Uh oh

I'm broken. And I don't have a problem admitting that, I have a problem dealing with it. I don't understand what it is that broke me down to this point where I almost feel as if I have an inability to feel. It's not that I have the inability to feel- but rather, I just don't know how to miss people anymore. Oh you won't be around for a few days? I'll get over it. It's such habit now, and this is one that definitely has to be broken.

It doesn't make sense for me to commit myself only to subconsciously give up after a few days. I can't do that anymore. It's not what it was. It's something new, and something that can be so beautiful. As much as I want to grow out of this phase, it really seems like a lost cause at this point. Then again, it's just the beginning. I've only just made this realization.

I guess in a way, it's not too bad. It's not the end of the world or anything, because I know feelings grow over time. It only takes time - as with everything else. There's nothing I can actively do, because I know how badly I want this. I know that things will fall into place if they are supposed to.

I never used to let things get to me, and then I decided that I would begin to dedicate myself to people. Now that's where I fucked up, because I dedicated myself to all the wrong people. I'm hoping this isn't going to be another waste of my time. It should be, though.

E