#iwouldbefuckingcrazy

Ugh. I am so happy it is sickening. I mean, I understand that this is how it's supposed to feel in the beginning, but things just feel so fucking right. I don't really know how to explain it, and I really don't even want to, because who really does that right?

I mean as long as I know how I feel, that's all that really matters. Being in this relationship makes me really wonder how it was possible that I used to put up with such bullshit. How did I give so much only to receive little to nothing in return? I don't even know what I was thinking.

For the past few weeks, I've waken up every morning thankful and happy for what I have. I haven't doubted anything, and I haven't been upset. I don't expect to be disappointed, and I haven't had to compromise under any circumstances. He says all the right things, and makes me feel so important to him.  He holds my hand while he drives, and always has his arm around me when we walk.

I used to get yelled at about the fact that my expectations were too much, and nobody would ever fulfill my standards. Well, I haven't had to lower a single standard or expect anything less than what I believe I deserve. I give 100%, and I make sure my man is satisfied as well as happy. Why shouldn't I deserve the same?

It's really just a great feeling knowing that somebody understands what I deserve and is ready and willing to give it to me. I don't need to be showered in money and gifts AT ALL. That is not what I expect. Material things are just little bonuses in life. I want care and affection. It's not much to ask - I know it's not. If I can give it, I can receive it. After all, isn't that some people's philosophy in life? Get what you give.

It's so easy to put my past behind me now. I can't express how much I appreciate new beginnings.

xo.e

Uh oh

I'm broken. And I don't have a problem admitting that, I have a problem dealing with it. I don't understand what it is that broke me down to this point where I almost feel as if I have an inability to feel. It's not that I have the inability to feel- but rather, I just don't know how to miss people anymore. Oh you won't be around for a few days? I'll get over it. It's such habit now, and this is one that definitely has to be broken.

It doesn't make sense for me to commit myself only to subconsciously give up after a few days. I can't do that anymore. It's not what it was. It's something new, and something that can be so beautiful. As much as I want to grow out of this phase, it really seems like a lost cause at this point. Then again, it's just the beginning. I've only just made this realization.

I guess in a way, it's not too bad. It's not the end of the world or anything, because I know feelings grow over time. It only takes time - as with everything else. There's nothing I can actively do, because I know how badly I want this. I know that things will fall into place if they are supposed to.

I never used to let things get to me, and then I decided that I would begin to dedicate myself to people. Now that's where I fucked up, because I dedicated myself to all the wrong people. I'm hoping this isn't going to be another waste of my time. It should be, though.

E

Happiness v Right

So there are tons of things in life that render happiness. There is also this idea of what is morally right, or morally permissible. The idea of utility plays a role in these moral decisions. What is good? Good yields the most pleasure while minimizing pain. Bad? The opposite.

What happens when a situation is at hand, and there are different factors to weigh? What happens when pleasure for yourself means pain for another? How is that to be measured? It's a question that has been examined for centuries, and yet there is barely a plausible answer. To many, there is a way to determine the weight of pain and pleasure.

I personally feel that there is no way of determining degrees of pain and pleasure. For each person, it is different. There is no established measurement for happiness. There is no point system, or weight. Maybe I'm a little bit selfish, but I feel that I need to do all I can to make myself happy.

This contradicts with social utility in that social utility is the maximization of happiness amongst society. While considering only my own happiness, I am disregarding the happiness of the rest of society. What if the cause of my happiness is the cause of devastation for the rest of society? Would I be doing the right then in that respect? From my point of view, probably. From other's points of view - probably not.

My discussion falls into the philosophy of Emmanuel Kant. The categorical imperative insists that one must treat another as an ends rather than a means. Now, if my overall purpose in life is to achieve happiness - what would my means be? What means would I have to apply to achieve happiness? What if I negatively affect someone on my pursuit of happiness?

I often have thoughts regarding such situations. Under what circumstances is it permissible to inflict pain on another in hopes of achieving my own pleasure? I have decided that holistic selflessness is extremely rare. It is a very difficult concept to apply to one's life, because we are all selfish in our own ways - however discreet.

I do not believe that people pursue pain rather than pleasure - unless there is a masochistic factor involved. The pursuit of happiness is one that has been examined for centuries, as previously mentioned. It seems that selfishness may probably be the best answer to many situations in that happiness stems from what one believes. It has a different meaning for everyone.

The same concept applies to pleasure. One may find pleasure in whipping himself or cutting his skin. The general societal idea of pleasure does not apply to all. I do not find pleasure in inflicting pain upon myself, yet others may - and would this person be acting wrong or immorally? What if a person is a sadist - and finds pleasure in inflicting pain upon others? What, then, do we consider is morally permissible?

Moral permission seems to rely on people's concepts of right and wrong - but there honestly cannot be an explicit definition of what is wrong and wrong, or good and bad. Selfishness is often viewed as a negative trait of a person - yet I feel that with selfishness, one truly understands what is desired. The desire to attain happiness is a universal principle, but the definition of happiness has yet to be determined.


xo.E

So this might sound crazy..

Sometimes I sit around at home and think about what my life is going to be like later in life. No, that's not the crazy part. The crazy part is that I think about who I'm going to marry, who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I can't wait to be with that man who I willingly do everything for. I want to find the man to whom I want to cater.

I'll get home from work after a long day, and I'll be exhausted and tired as shit. Regardless, I'll still want to do everything in my power to make him happy. I'll want to cook, clean and satisfy my man. It sounds crazy, because I honestly don't seem like that type of girl. I don't seem like the type of girl who knows how to take care of anything or anyone but herself....maybe. That's not true. That's not true, but why not let people believe what they want.

Sometimes it's just a little weird to me that I think about how much I want to make someone else happy. What about my own happiness? I feel like as people mature, as they grow, they realize that happiness is not all about loving oneself or being completely engulfed in just being 100% focused on oneself. Happiness grows contingent upon another's happiness. I feel like if I find that person who I find happiness pleasing, I would never give up. Why give up on something that powerful? Something that amazing?

I've always known myself to be extremely selfish. I know where people get that idea from. I always put myself first, and I always think about myself. Yeah, whatev. Truth is, there have only been a handfull of people in my life who I would put ahead of me. I would think of them before I even think of myself. These people are the most important people in my life. I don't know where I would be without them.

Everyone needs a support system, and everyone needs a shoulder to lean on sometimes. I used to think that I could do it all by myself. I used to think that I could make myself happy and nothing and nobody else mattered. That's before I found people that I wanted to be a part of my life permanently. It's really a trip when you find someone that you can connect with on every & any level. It's intriguing. It's amazing, wonderful, and it really just puts some things into perspective. The feeling that I get when I talk to people with whom I have many things in common is almost euphoric.

Anyways, I guess I just haven't been able to talk to people about things like this in a long time. Or I've just had too many thoughts in my mind lately. Whatever it is, venting is always therapeutic.

xo.E

OPINIONATED

I am not ok at all with teen pregnancies, and girls getting pregnant either without being married, or without the boyfriend in their lives -- at a young age, that is.

I see many girls getting pregnant right out of high school, and frankly, it sickens me! Some of these girls are so immature, and they think that they know everything. They act like hot shit because they're pregnant, and think that for some reason they're growing up the right way. Mind you, I don't believe that my way is necessarily the right way, but get real... Having a child is perhaps the most important decision a person can make. I don't think some people understand that it means growing another human being inside of her. It means going through hours of labor, and after that, raising a child for its entire life.

I personally feel that this is not the right way to grow up. If I were to get pregnant right now, it'd be a mistake. I'm not married, my education is not finished, I am selfish, I can barely take care of myself, and I don't have a job. I feel that education takes precedence over everything. Without an education, I am not capable of much. The same cannot be said about many people, because some people possess natural skills. I, however, am not one of those people. I feel a need to learn, and attain multiple degrees to pursue my dream job.

I'm not saying that a person needs to be married to have a baby. I'm not saying that at all. The father of the baby, however, should want to be involved in the child's life. The father should be around. How can someone idealize being a single parent? I could never.

I really just don't understand why many girls have babies when the father doesn't want to be present, or if their lives are not even stable. Many are still in school and they decide that having a child won't delay their own progress. Well, that's usually not the case.

A child should grow up in a stable setting. Having a baby doesn't instantly make a person mature. It forces one to mature faster, and really grow up, but how can a baby take care of a baby? It doesn't make sense to me.

Some girls are too stupid, and I am afraid for future generations. Eugenics, please.

(I'm kidding about the eugenics.)

E

It kills me to see you go. Nothing in the world can prepare me for something like this. I stay up at night with a soaked pillow because I don't know what else to do. Maybe it's just bad timing, but I can't help but think I did something wrong. I can't help to think this is all my fault, and you're trying to tell me that it's not so I can move on.

Sometimes I hate that I love you, but even when I do, I can't help but to love you to pieces. Everything about you makes me feel like you are the perfect man, although it doesn't seem like it sometimes. What initially drew me to you stands strong, and I know exactly why I love you the way I do. Despite the little things that I'm not too fond of, I still find myself trying to compromise and love everything about you. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I try. I try because nothing would make me happier than to be with you, in your arms.

The connection and bond that we shared was beyond mental and physical, which is really what makes this the hardest thing in the world. I'm sorry I couldn't give you everything you deserved, and that I couldn't be better for you.

xx

I can't tolerate a man who thinks that he needs to step into my affairs and solve every single one of my problems. Where's a woman's autonomy? I was just looking through some things and it made me so irritated when I remembered someone saying "I had to go take care of some problems, for you". Arright dude, it's one thing to take care of a problem, but it's another to take care of a problem for me. Had I felt it was an issue, I would have solved it on my own.

Just a thought, since people do some stupid ass shit nowadays. There's a difference between being a man, and being downright overbearing. Here's a simple solution to life: don't fucking be overbearing!

Sigh, the things that seem like they should be the simplest in life really turn out to be such fucking challenges for some people.

Back to cram time!

byE