..

sometimes everything just hurts too much, sometimes the feelings are just too intense.. i don't know what to do, i don't know what to say. i just need friends when it comes to times like this. i need to lay in someones bed and cry until i can't breathe or feel anything.

what do i do. i can't bring myself to mention it even though it's so important to me. i can't even figure it out and it's frustrating. i don't know what to do and i don't want to get out of bed but i can't stay down and let this eat me alive..

help.

my corny ass feelings

sometimes i sit down and i think about everything that i'm feeling. i pause the music, i pause the shows and i just sort of sit there. sounds emo as fug, but whatever..

lately, it's been a whole mix of feelings. a plethora of them, if i may. it's been a bit overwhelming, and even slightly unbearable to be completely honest. it's not that they're complicated feelings, it's also that they're all so different and significant in their own little ways. some positive, some negative, some neutral, some just fucking crazy. what to doooo?

let's start with the bad. the bad feelings are the ones where i just want to give up. the ones that make me feel helpless, useless and, lets be honest, useless. now these are apparent only sometimes. i don't always feel these bad ones. hell, some days go by and i don't feel them at all. when they do decide to hit, however, it is truly a sour feeling. it is horrible. it's a bullet right through the heart, and it's acid melting my stomach. now, i understand that there are worse things in life; but sometimes emotions are so unbearable. i hate the bad feelings, but hey, who wouldn't?

the bad feelings are horrible when they have regards to my relationship. it's been so rocky lately, and it's just been a crazy and intense roller coaster ride. this one wasn't a thriller, i'll say that. halfway into it, i was ready to get off. i was begging to get off the ride, even though it wasn't what i wanted at all. the bad feelings completely consumed me, and i just had no way of finding a way to cope. i just didn't know what to do. every little thing was driving me crazy, and the hurt was penetrating through everything. the hurt was becoming too much for me to handle. now, i didn't think it through. of course, i don't sit around thinking about when i'm going to leave my relationship. but everything was still fresh. everything still had to run its course. i was looking for a way out. i was scared.

well, i didn't get off the ride. i didn't let it all go. i didn't try to convince myself that the last four months of my life was not meaningful at all. instead, i thought about my feelings a little more. i thought hard and i focused all my energy into deciphering my actual feelings. now what was it that i felt? what was it that i was feeling? why did i want to leave, but at the same time stay? was it cus i was a little bitch? of course. that's exactly how i was acting. i did take into account his feelings, but i underestimated his devotion towards the relationship. and that's when i was certain of one thing. that's when i realized that he was someone special, and worthwhile.

that.. is when i realized that i love him. it's a complicated feeling. it's hard to explain, nearly impossible to explain if i were to be asked what is love. anyways, lezbehonest, i can't quite put into words what i feel for him. i wish i could, because i want to. i want to be able to express what i feel in words, it's what i do best. so for me to be unable to express my emotions... i feel so lost.

the feeling passes though, the one of lostness. the feeling passes, and everything feels okay, because i know what i feel for him. i know that what i feel is strong enough to be classified as love. i know that everyone has a different definition of love, and everyone experiences love in a different manner. that's probably why it's so hard to figure out. many emotions are explicitly defined. they have those charts for people with the smiley faces that represent each emotion.


love? is it an emotion? is it just this gut feeling that people get? it's so hard to tell. i don't doubt myself though. i don't doubt myself for even a moment. i tell him that i love him, and i don't regret it. i won't take it back. there are many things that i question, that i doubt, and that i really just flat out don't know, but this isn't one of them. this is something so real in my heart, and i know that i won't be disappointed. sure, little shit happens sometimes, and it gets in my head; but i do need to realize that this guy loves me as i love him, and we work together to get past disputes for a happy future.

ok bye

aswerfvhuijkm,lp

do what you want.. clearly it's never fucking up to me anyways. regardless of how much i say something, it eventually gets ignored. so why bother? why not just stay quiet? i'm happy, but sometimes i seriously just take a good look at shit and say really?

it's times like this i have no idea what to do, or what to say because shit has already been said. i'm not one to repeat myself over and over again because that's just straight up wasted effort. why bother..

anyways. i'm getting ready to go to work. kinda. slept pretty well last night. woke up a couple times but meh. got a looot of sleep which makes me pretty happy, but makes me more tired in the morning :( hopefully i'm not too tired at work today. bah, gotta work with my manager today though.. so irritating. w/e my coworkers will keep me entertained:)

gonna get ready now i guessss

bYE

20 min before work :(

I go to work super early on Sundays cus parking is free, and its always packed as hell. But today I found parking in like 5 minutes. Didn't even have to circle or anything. I'm not even at a meter space, just residential parking. Prettttty happy cus this way I don't have to worry bout my car getting scratched in those cramped spaces.. :}

I miss my boooboo. I hate when we fight and argue, but even when I'm upset with him I always find myself missing him. He makes everything better. I always think about how crazy it is that somehow we ended up together. We were both each others first "relationships", and 7 years later we get together again. Lool. Its cute. I always play with him and tell him that on 2/13, I'm just gonna go ahead and say happy 7 years. :} 10/13/11 & 2/13/05 LOLOL omfg I am heeeeelarius.

Why the fuck do people keep double parking like right next to my car...... its so weird. Ah fuck I have to sneeze but I can't. Worst feeling in the world.

Hmm what did I do yesterday.. orite, I went to costco & stonestown in the morning with my mom. Omfg the guy at orogold was tryna sell us this shit that was clearly not worth as much money as he was saying. Stupid as fug. He was nice in the beginning but he just got too fucking annoying...

After stonestown, we went to costco and I got socks :} and she bought cookies I think. I also got a hot dog. And my mom said she didn't want any food so I didn't get her anything but while I was driving us home, she ate like half my hot dog!!! -__- I was like vhaaattheheeelllllll. Anyho0..went home and unloaded my car and cleaned it out a lilbittt.

Then babe came to pick me up and we went to my work to get food. Got wf too :) then went to the bank and his house. We ordered way too much food as usual.. boohoo :( we cuddled and watched tv for a while. TI & Tiny! <3 I love that show now for some reason. Maybe its cus I never really get to watch tv unless I'm at his house hahaha.

Then he dropped me off at home so I could get some stuff. And I drove me to dinner with my family. Omfg took me 20 min to find parking and I still ended up parking hella far.... :( I was hella late to dinner but nbd, wasn't too hungry anyways. My mom ate 5 bowls of rice because she is crazy.. -__-

Afterwards I went to pick up Alvin from starbucks. I made him go home to get me a sweater cus I cleaned out my car and didn't have any :( we decided to go to sm to go shopping at hillsdale! It was only 740, and he checked that it closed at 9. But there was HELLLLLLLLLLLA traffic on park presidio for some reason and we ended up stuck there for like 20 min, then we got to hillsdale at 830, and I got a jacket from hollister with his discount :} and also a jacket from f21. Its so cute, so I'm super happy <3. Heheeee! I need more jackets with hoods so yea..

After that we went to jacks prime to get take out. Boo & his friends were there. Chilled in the parking lot to wait for food, then went to dessert republic. Mmmm that pink lady dssert was YUUUM! & we had eggettes too haha. He ate his burger there but his fries were soggy.. booo. The fries from jacks prime are prettty good! Then we just chilled for a while and talked.

Headed home and talked to babe on the phone/aim til he went to sleep... time to go to work :( boooo.

Byyeeee

games

i've always told myself that i want that guy who makes me stop playing games. not forcefully, but in a way that i don't even wanna flirt or play around anymore.

when this started.. i didn't really care much for it. i was just like ok...i like the dude, he's cool, i'll give this a try. i didn't think he liked me that much, and i didn't even really know him all that well. so when he made a move, i figured he did that with a lot of girls. cus shit, i flirted with a lot of guys. even when we decided to be exclusive with one another, i still flirted and i still had someone else on my mind. after a few weeks, maybe even more than a month.. i realized i was extremely happy.

i found a new type of happiness with this kid. he made me not want to flirt with other guys. i stopped calling everyone "honey" & "sweetie", and i kept everything strictly platonic. i told everyone i had a boyfriend, and i wanted everyone to meet him. i want to show him off to the world because he's amazing, and he's all mine.

i looooove playing games. or well, let's say i loved playing games and flirting. i'm glad that he makes me want to stop all that shit. it's not that he even says anything about it. he tells me he doesn't like it, but doesn't mind if i can't change right away... but it's not that i want to change. it's not that at all. and really, i don't even actively think about stopping my flirting habits. over time, they've just disappeared. looking back on the last three months, i've literally watched my flirting just fade away.

every single day we become closer and closer. we learn new things about each other, and we don't get tired. we don't get bored, and we don't run out of things to talk about. sometimes we just cuddle or sit around and watch tv, but we love being in each other's company. he takes care of me when i'm sick, and i take care of him.

this is all so new to me, and i can't wait to see where it goes. <3

t00dles

i have el stomach flu

it is not nice, i hate it.

babe has been constantly visiting me/taking care of me though. <3 he is the sweetest. even though i'm sick he still kisses me and holds me tight. :) i'm making him take airborne just so he doesn't get sick too... i hate that whenever i get sick its been the fucking stomach flu. what the hell!!! -_-

anyways.. today i woke up early and thought about going to school...but yea i just couldn't do it. was dizzy when i got out of bed =[ slept and woke up at 11. babe texted me, and he brought me wonton noodles at ~1ish. then he went to school...and then brought me eggettes at 4ish. :) heheee! and soy milk tea! that was actually not bad. tasted realllly soymilky though. we stayed in bed and watched hardcore pawn. <3 new favorite show I THINK SO.

i watched cinderella story once upon a song today. it was horrible. absolutely fucking terrible. but lucy hale can really sing!! woooo. i dont know why im blogging

im so bored..

i feel horrible too...

bye

if you ask me how i'm doin i would say i'm doin just fine..

lez seee.... the most i can remember is last night. so i'm going to write about what i did last night and today...

got vietnamese food with daniel at night.. we went to kevin's and we both got pho. but we were still hungry so he got a rice plate and i got egg rolls :] we split the egg rolls. lmfao i was so stupid. they cut them unevenly so i was eating alternatively...but daniel was like "why don't you just eat two full ones" i did not think of it at all. so retarded. then afterwards we were like lez go tpumpsssss and we went to pick up lucy. went to tpumps and i got regular green milk tea. yuMmmm!! i love tpumps<3 i felt like i didn't have enough though. i always get large, but i got a regular size cus i wanted to be able to sleep at night.... but when i finished it i was sad! :(

afterwards we went to the parking lot and we just chilled in the car for like an hour. then we decided to go to brandon's. i was drawing on the windshield since we fogged it up pretty quickly. hhehe. daniel was like "why is it when you write on my windshield you write hella nice, but on paper you write like shit" NIGGA NO I DON'T. liar. anyways went to brandons and we fought for the bathroom. and freaked out lucy. LOL she didn't want me to talk to her while she peed. BUT I DID. because i'm terrible. anyways afterwards we just chilled in the car for a while then went to the park and played basketball in the dark=] it was too cold. i was on lucy's team at first but she was carrying the team so we switched off. i was on brandon's team and we automatically won because i made a basket. lmao i was just standing there doing nothing and he was carrying the team. :] it's no wonder i didn't do sports when i was in school. then me and lucy went to the swings and we just chilled and listened to music and talked. she's such a sweet girl, i always forget how young she is!!! haha.

then we all just chilled at the park and played with various things. they played tag while i found swingy things to play on. godddd i love being at parks at night for some reason. it's scary but i just really like it. lol. then i got really cold and i was like leme go in the carrrr -_- so we went back to the car and we chilled for literally like an hour and a half maybe even two hours. they were playing temple run and i was drawing all over the windshield and windows and we just talked. twas fun :) i love my boys+lucy. i hate that i don't see them very often... esp brandon since he lives so far!!! its a good thing daniel lives so close. :)

afterwards they wanted food so we went to in n out. i didn't get anything because i don't wanna eat junk food... in n out is the only fast food place i would go to. dunno why. but yeah, the line was HELLA long!!! omfg. the drive thru line took like 20 min... i had to pee really bad so after they got food, daniel parked and brandon and i went inside to use the bathroom. i finished faster than brandon. lmao he was like "DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS" =__=!!! anyways afterwards we went to brandon's, then walgreens and then dropped off brandon and headed home. the drive home was quiet...... i was pretty tired :| but daniel and lucy didn't wanna go home yet so they just dropped me off and went back out. got home and went to sleep :]

this morning i woke up at 9ishhh and got ready to go to work. holy fucking shit, it took me 20 minutes to find parking at work. fucking shit. fucking asians. fuck fuck fuck. i understand its cny but FUCK!!!! parking was IMPOSSIBLE holy shit and there were SOOO many people. people lining up for lam hoa thuan and toonkee. surprisingly there were people at toonkee lmfao. they ran out of chickens so they had to go to safeway to buy chickens apparently. gross.

anyways work was kind of interesting. i guess. not really -_- it was really quiet today since it was raining and the niners game was on. people came in to buy food for it but it wasn't all that busy. i stood around for nothing a lot of hte time. and my manager made me ask my boss if we would get off early...which we did not. everyone was hella mad at my boss. every other store on irving closed early, but his ass didn't wanna close early. which was pretty unreasonable just because there was barely any business past 6. i wasn't too mad though, just cus the game was on. it's too bad that we lost:(

went to my dad's for dinner. we had hella food and i just played with my siblings and talked to my cousins. yeah. dinner was ok. right when i left it started raining pretty hard which was horrible... i can't see in the dark as it is.. like i can't really drive in the dark, so it was fucking horrid with the rain. i need to get a new prescription for contacts soon.. glasses ain't cuttin it! :( when i was parking when i got home, it was even worse .. i had to get out of the car to check and it was coming down HARD!! -_-

just took a shower now i'm here... gotta fold my clothes..which might not happen because i'm tired as fuck :(

byE