my corny ass feelings

sometimes i sit down and i think about everything that i'm feeling. i pause the music, i pause the shows and i just sort of sit there. sounds emo as fug, but whatever..

lately, it's been a whole mix of feelings. a plethora of them, if i may. it's been a bit overwhelming, and even slightly unbearable to be completely honest. it's not that they're complicated feelings, it's also that they're all so different and significant in their own little ways. some positive, some negative, some neutral, some just fucking crazy. what to doooo?

let's start with the bad. the bad feelings are the ones where i just want to give up. the ones that make me feel helpless, useless and, lets be honest, useless. now these are apparent only sometimes. i don't always feel these bad ones. hell, some days go by and i don't feel them at all. when they do decide to hit, however, it is truly a sour feeling. it is horrible. it's a bullet right through the heart, and it's acid melting my stomach. now, i understand that there are worse things in life; but sometimes emotions are so unbearable. i hate the bad feelings, but hey, who wouldn't?

the bad feelings are horrible when they have regards to my relationship. it's been so rocky lately, and it's just been a crazy and intense roller coaster ride. this one wasn't a thriller, i'll say that. halfway into it, i was ready to get off. i was begging to get off the ride, even though it wasn't what i wanted at all. the bad feelings completely consumed me, and i just had no way of finding a way to cope. i just didn't know what to do. every little thing was driving me crazy, and the hurt was penetrating through everything. the hurt was becoming too much for me to handle. now, i didn't think it through. of course, i don't sit around thinking about when i'm going to leave my relationship. but everything was still fresh. everything still had to run its course. i was looking for a way out. i was scared.

well, i didn't get off the ride. i didn't let it all go. i didn't try to convince myself that the last four months of my life was not meaningful at all. instead, i thought about my feelings a little more. i thought hard and i focused all my energy into deciphering my actual feelings. now what was it that i felt? what was it that i was feeling? why did i want to leave, but at the same time stay? was it cus i was a little bitch? of course. that's exactly how i was acting. i did take into account his feelings, but i underestimated his devotion towards the relationship. and that's when i was certain of one thing. that's when i realized that he was someone special, and worthwhile.

that.. is when i realized that i love him. it's a complicated feeling. it's hard to explain, nearly impossible to explain if i were to be asked what is love. anyways, lezbehonest, i can't quite put into words what i feel for him. i wish i could, because i want to. i want to be able to express what i feel in words, it's what i do best. so for me to be unable to express my emotions... i feel so lost.

the feeling passes though, the one of lostness. the feeling passes, and everything feels okay, because i know what i feel for him. i know that what i feel is strong enough to be classified as love. i know that everyone has a different definition of love, and everyone experiences love in a different manner. that's probably why it's so hard to figure out. many emotions are explicitly defined. they have those charts for people with the smiley faces that represent each emotion.


love? is it an emotion? is it just this gut feeling that people get? it's so hard to tell. i don't doubt myself though. i don't doubt myself for even a moment. i tell him that i love him, and i don't regret it. i won't take it back. there are many things that i question, that i doubt, and that i really just flat out don't know, but this isn't one of them. this is something so real in my heart, and i know that i won't be disappointed. sure, little shit happens sometimes, and it gets in my head; but i do need to realize that this guy loves me as i love him, and we work together to get past disputes for a happy future.

ok bye